Updated: May 10, 2021
"As within so without, as above so below." Ancient saying from the school of philosophical alchemy
A BOUNDARY is a limit that protects integrity. The integrity of your day, relationships, energy, & pursuits of your heart (desires, dreams, goals). Boundaries allow positive things through and keep negative things out. They prevent harm and allow benefit.
INTEGRITY is the state of BEING WHOLE/UNDIVIDED.
If we put the aforementioned definitions together, we see that a BOUNDARY IS A LIMIT THAT PROTECTS OUR WHOLENESS.
Commit that shit to memory boo-boo.
(Yes, I'm writing it AGAIN....)
A BOUNDARY IS A LIMIT THAT PROTECTS YOUR WHOLENESS.
To me, the pursuit of WHOLENESS is the integration and deep acceptance of all of our unique gifts, quirks, weaknesses, strengths, shadows, and light. As we make decisions daily to move into more alignment of self (doing the things that amplify our pleasure, peace, joy, and sense of wholeness) we become more clear on our personal purpose. As these things make themselves known, we remember our innate divinity and worthiness to receive love which ultimately unlocks the abundance of the universe. This pursuit takes awareness and deep connection to our sense of self and requires an understanding of the things we do that allow us to step into this glory -- and the things that shut us out from it. Once we have a deep understanding of our needs to be whole, we can then put boundaries into place to protect it.
Oftentimes our DEFENSES are disguised as BOUNDARIES. Defenses may "protect" us from harm or fear, but they keep us in a fear-based or scarcity-based mindset. Defenses do not open us up to possibility/change/love/forgiveness - they close us off. They chain us to a series of loops and patterns that originated out of survival, but most likely DO NOT SERVE us and our ability to be WHOLE (remember that thing I mentioned before about integrity??) If you’re unsure what you are dealing with is a defense or boundary, ask yourself this:
Is this limit or barrier SUPPORTING or SABOTAGING my greater mission of wholeness?
If you have no clue what your larger mission is, it's time you take a look at that babe. Because if you have NO clarity of your desires and mission, you will continue to repeat your unconscious thought patterns and continue to blame others or "fate" for the lack of getting what you want.
As Carl Jung said, "Until you make the unconscious, conscious -- it will direct your life and you will call it fate."
And let me tell you, WHOLENESS is the true pursuit of life. When we can remember our wholeness and seek this balance daily, we invite in love, joy, peace, and deep meaning into life. Hell, we even invite in ABUNDANCE and WEALTH! Which means understanding boundaries; what they are, how to create them, how to implement them, how to keep them and effectively communicate them to others, is of the utmost importance.
BOUNDARY ERROR vs VIOLATION
Violations are deliberate, whereas errors are not. Committing a violation is a conscious decision, whereas errors occur irrespective of one's will to avoid them.
In other words, a BOUNDARY ERROR is when someone crosses a boundary that has yet to be communicated. This happens out of IGNORANCE.
A BOUNDARY VIOLATION is when a boundary has been established and someone STILL crosses it. This happens out of DISREGARD. If you allow someone to continue violating your boundaries, it is on YOU. You have now become a participant of the boundary violation.
You may repel this idea of ownership -- hell, none of us want to own responsibility for the shittiness in our lives. But the truth is, we 100% create our reality. And what lies deeper than our victim-hood is the fact that we allow others to violate our boundaries, misusing and abusing us because WE misuse and abuse OURSELVES (on the regular).
Abuse isn't reserved for violent acts alone, abuse is subtle and can build over time. It can come in forms of emotional, physical, sexual, and verbal violations; neglect, and more -- this abuse will ultimately result in feelings of ISOLATION, FEAR, and DISTRUST.
When we lose trust (of self or others) it shatters the reliability of truth. Truth relies on vulnerability and consistency. When we are untrue with ourselves or others, this breaks our trust and takes away our ability to feel safe.
Safety (physical, mental, emotional, spiritual) is a requirement for living a life of wholeness. We cannot step into our truth when we are unsafe. Our physiological system WILL NOT allow it. If we feel unsafe we drop into our sympathetic nervous system where logic is thrown out the window and our "lizard brain" shows up to protect us in the most primal, biological way of thinking that it has become accustomed to. We shift into an unconscious state of survival where we are no longer in control. Then we shift into the operating system rooted in fear and distrust (most likely from past wounding and unsealed trauma) and behave in ways that don't serve us OR those around us. Oftentimes in these moments, we LOVE to blame others for our feelings or state of being, but YOU ARE RESPONSIBLE for the feelings you have and your expression of it. You are also liable for any harm done to yourself or others and it is NEVER accurate to blame someone for your behaviors or feelings, i.e: "You made me..."
With ownership we can swallow the truth that if we are violating our own boundaries; we are abusing ourselves. We only allow others to abuse and mistreat us as much as we abuse and mistreat ourselves. We will continue to fail at standing up for the boundaries made in relation to others (partners, children, our places of work, friends, etc) if we continually fail at maintaining boundaries with ourselves. "As within so without, as above so below."
Start taking a stand for your personal safety and trust of self. Start small and keep your commitments with self. Build trust within your own being by saying and doing and maintaining the limits you've established that will allow you to pursue your heart's desires. Understand what personal boundaries you need to put in place to allow the positive things through that fuel your wholeness, personal truth, and health/wellness, and that keep the negative things out that are not in alignment with this pursuit. Take time daily & weekly to reflect on how you can best show up for yourself. Notice how and where you may be mistaking defenses for boundaries; where and how you self-abuse; when you shift into unconscious states of being, and meet yourself with compassion and non-judgement. It is only when we are clear on these things that we can then begin to establish & maintain boundaries with others.
So much love, Jen